Garfunkle

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Embrace the Ick,” in which we are asked to write a glowing piece about something which repulses us.

In his never-failing political incorrectness, in his volume level permanently fused at “high” by the artillery unit he commanded in Vietnam, my boss stared across the room during the company party and demanded of me “What is THAT?!”

He was looking at my favorite coworker’s wife, but it was not with admiration.  My first fear was that someone else may have heard him.  Well, it was my only fear, really.  In as low a voice as I believed he would hear, I explained how the larping, steampunking Goth pirate with purple hair was as wonderful a person as her husband.

Remarkably, he never seemed to notice nor mind that her husband had the same persona.  But we were such admirers of her husband’s work that it was either invisible, or thoroughly accepted.  I would have accepted it regardless, as my own Zen inner bastard is a steampunking Goth pirate as well.

But this does cause me to admit that I also tend to judge by physical traits first.  I have an affinity for the underdog, but only those underdogs in my favorite categories.  In the same manner that I would initially favor a tabby cat over a tortoiseshell, I recoil in revulsion at some human beings and desperately squirm to avoid knowing them.  There are both predictable and unpredictable categories I abhor.  The predictable would include anyone I suspect might smell bad.  Among the unpredictable you would find babies and athletes, which until very recently I would have considered to be only one category.

The saddest feature of my bizarre world of prejudice is that I somehow attribute only the one dimension to each condemned party.  I am often surprised to see the avatar or a photo of someone I have been admiring on the internet…to sheepishly admit that their many admirable qualities trump my unreasonable gatekeeper.

“Yes, I smell bad,” one of them might begin.  “In fact, I stink.  Before we consider the reasons and the solutions, let’s consider my other traits…why you are now interacting with me at all.  I know something helpful that you do not know.  I can and will help you.  But there is an unasked question:  will you do the same?  Will you somehow summon the diplomacy and compassion to help me become enfranchised?  Because that is what you take for granted.  Don’t gloat or compare–share the secrets.  As gently as you can, hurt my feelings and give some friendly, realistic advice.  After all, when you needed some answers I had, I was there for you.”

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